General Grump

As you may have gathered, I’m feeling less good about myself recently. It’s entirely my own fault; I should not have stopped running. I didn’t really enjoy it, and now that we have no aim, it seems we’re just not going. The thing is, I REALLY don’t like running, I feel silly, I know I look silly, it jars my bad knee (my only proper excuse) and it makes me hot and sweaty in a bad way. At least on the treadmill I’m looking silly in the privacy of my own home. Do other people not feel like this? Am I the only person in the world who thinks “I look like a right pillock” when running?
Perhaps it’s because of the way I think of sport in general. It always seems like a waste of effort. And I’ve always been like this. When I was about 5 I was put in the 50m race. I stood well back from the start with my arms folded and refused to run. They asked me why I wouldn’t run, and I said “I’m not going to win, so what’s the point?” and my relationship with sport has never improved. There is only one sport I have ever been able to do for fun and that is swimming. This is because I am pretty good over long distances, and also it’s a very soothing and calming activity.
It’s not like I haven’t done loads of different kinds of sport, but if I’m not at least reasonably competent at the sport, it seems pointless. Hockey I never liked, too much standing around in the cold, and I broke fingers doing that. Netball was also a bit of a nightmare, I broke fingers doing that too. Basketball was also the same story. I hated volleyball, I don’t do anything which involves throwing yourself on the floor. I was terrible at judo! Always getting knocked out or squashed. I have always had trouble with racquet sports because I can’t judge distances and can’t see without my specs. Tennis was at least fun! But you need someone of about the same level to play against when you play tennis, so that’s out. Cricket was okay, until I got my scar from being hit with a cricket bat (there’s an almost hilarious story) I didn’t like football because the other girls were no fun, and it made me really angry when other people got the ball. I probably would have liked it better if we’d been taught ball skills. I was never into running. I dropped a discus on my ankle and had lots of problems with shot put. Javelin was a nightmare, though we did nearly spear one of the PE staff! Long/high/triple jump might as well have been spectator sports. I regularly only got to do one because I sprained something.
So, my long and unhealthy relationship with sport goes on. I tried badminton and joining a gym up here. Neither have stuck – the badminton was so frustrating! I wouldn’t mind joining a gym again, provided I can get up the motivation to go – which may mean not stopping. What I mean by that is this:
If I go home, change into running kit and then go running I am much more motivated than if I go home and sit around and have a cup of tea. Knowing this, I will have to bother Leon about it. you see, he works later than I do and so I always have to wait for him if we are exercising together. We may be driving to a gym in the near future, in which case I will have to wait for him to get home. This will mean I have to remain motivated until he gets home. Or I have to stay at work longer, which given how apathetic I feel at present, probably will not happen.

Very much looking forward to our week off work! Even if we do end up trekking up and down the country!